Not long ago, I was conducting qualitative research showing advertising storyboards.  During the first few groups I listened passively while the participants explained their reactions. I didn’t know what to expect, so I wanted to be open to whatever was said. In contrast, for the last couple of groups, because by then I had a good idea of what responses were likely, I listened in a much more anticipatory manner. I had a number of probe and follow up questions at the ready, and kept them in mind as I was listening.

My martial arts teacher for the past 30 years, Grandmaster Alan Simms, says there are two kinds of waiting: active and passive waiting. In martial arts, active waiting is when you’re looking for a specific opening and poised to exploit it immediately. Passive waiting is more defensive. You pay close attention to your opponent, but with no specific plan of response in mind. Rather, you are relaxed, observant, open to all possibilities and prepared to react to whatever your opponent does.

Both are valid approaches in martial arts, and also in conversation—it just depends on the purpose of the conversation you’re having.

I find that, as a qualitative researcher, I usually lean more towards the passive end of the spectrum, meaning that I’m highly engaged in listening, and open to whatever participants say. However, there’s a role for being more active, such as in the advertising research described above.

This principle also applies to everyday life. When having conversations with friends and colleagues, I really try to be as fully engaged in listening as I can. Sometimes this is hard, particularly when I disagree with somebody. But I do my best, as fully engaged listening is essential to respectful and productive dialogue. However, when I’m on the phone with customer support, and I know exactly what problem I’m trying to solve, I generally wait more actively.

It’s important to remember that this isn’t a binary thing, it’s a continuum. People are rarely completely actively or passively waiting. Rather, they’re somewhere between the two. The art lies in knowing where on that spectrum to be.

Meaningful conversation is complicated and challenging. It demands a series of skills, including  knowing when to listen, knowing when and how to wait, and knowing when to talk. There’s an art to it. As with all art, you combine instinct, practice, and time-developed skills to master it.