Ci·vil·i·ty – formal politeness and courtesy in behavior or speech.

Back in May, I attended a virtual conference held by The Urgency of Civility, an organization dedicated to fostering civility within our world. It was a fascinating and refreshing two days, full of content that was both intellectually stimulating and relevant to these troubled times.

Civility has become a serious matter. We live in a world that is increasingly fraught – both socially and politically. Just having conversations can be nerve-wracking. This has acute implications for qualitative researchers, as conversation is how we make our living. I recently conducted shop-along interviews on a seemingly benign topic: disposable cups and plates. However, when the concept of recyclability came up, some of the conversations became awkward, as both the participant and I were nervous about sharing our views. Recyclability and sustainability have become highly politicized and polarized issues. I worked through this challenge, but things could have gone badly, and tiptoeing around this issue cost valuable time and dampened the mood.

One idea that has become clear to me is that civility is a skill—one that can be gained and built, and one that can wither and be lost. We can learn to be civil, we can get better at it over time, and, in so doing, can teach others to do so as well. Doing so requires acquiring a few habits and tools:

Resisting the desire to judge and moralize—moral posturing is conversational poison. We tend to look for moral explanations for our differences. This is simplistic and unproductive.

Courage—A Vietnam veteran I once knew used to say, “war is easy; peace is hard.” Having a civil conversation when you’d prefer either confrontation or avoidance isn’t easy. It requires you to be both vulnerable and open to new ideas. Remember: civility doesn’t mean misrepresenting your views in order to avoid conflict.

Resisting competitive instincts— human beings often tend to be reflexively contentious. This is an evolved trait that, unfortunately, is unlikely to foster civility. Resist allowing a conversation to devolve into a competition that must be won.

Introspection—civility often requires us to ask ourselves what’s preventing us from engaging in civil discourse on a specific topic or with a specific individual. This isn’t always easy, but it is essential to having a civil, productive conversation.

Compassion and empathy— one key to civility is understanding where incivility might be coming from. Deliberate incivility may be a result of feelings of powerlessness or fear, or of a sense of being disregarded or disrespected.

Understanding opposing viewpoints— John Stuart Mill once wrote, “He who knows only his own side of the case knows little of that. His reasons may be good, and no one may have been able to refute them. But if he is equally unable to refute the reasons on the opposite side, if he does not so much as know what they are, he has no ground for preferring either opinion.” Taking a genuine interest in how others have come to see things the way they do is a habit very much worth developing, as it can lead to some fascinating conversations. It also unequivocally demonstrates respect, which goes a long way.

Commitment—it’s essential to be dedicated to fostering civility, and to be willing to set an example. This isn’t always easy. Not only does civility seem to be on the wane, but aggressive incivility seems to be increasingly common. Sadly, making a point of being civil may open you to ridicule.

It’s also good to have some conversational tools and techniques in your back pocket. Having a civil exchange can be much easier if you have a set of questions at the ready when things get dicey. Here are a few I use regularly:

“How did you come to have that point of view?

“What are some experiences you’ve had that have informed your opinion?”

“What are some things that people who disagree with you don’t understand?”

This list is certainly not exhaustive.  I’d love to know your thoughts on civility and how to be civil.

As qualitative researchers, we have a unique opportunity to set an example for others. We spend so much of our time engaged in conversation with all kinds of people, and our profession demands that we create an environment for the free exchange of ideas and opinions. In doing so, we should view ourselves as modeling key principles of civil discourse.