Sometimes, when I’m conducting qualitative research, a sensitive issue will come up for which there’s no time, that’s off topic, and that I want to avoid.

This came to mind when I recently gave a seminar to The Center for Learning and Living on agreeing to disagree. I’ve been blogging about this for a while, so it was a welcome opportunity to talk about it with thoughtful people. One point that came up in our lively discussion was that, while being able to have friendly, honest conversations with people with whom you disagree is important, avoiding difficult conversations is also a necessary skill. This is true both in everyday life and in qualitative research settings. Sometimes a civil conversation isn’t in the cards, or maybe you just don’t want to get into it with someone.

Civil conversation is a skill. But sometimes there’s no opportunity for agreeable disagreement, and you need to draw on a different skill – avoidance.

My family has a set of four techniques for deflecting or delaying difficult conversations. Here they are, in no particular order:

Ignore.  Sometimes there’s nothing gained from even the tiniest bit of engagement. If that’s the case, simply ignoring is the way to go. For many, this is harder than it sounds, as it might make you feel like you’re being rude. Some people are naturally confrontational, and struggle to ignore the objectionable. Ignoring might also be interpreted by others as aggression, implying a message you actually don’t want to send (then again, maybe you do).

Smile and nod. A greatly underrated skill. Smiling and nodding can be interpreted by others in any way they like, which might suit you just fine. Use this one if you don’t care if others think you agree or not. Another advantage of this is you can do it while walking away.

Grunt noncommittally. A great technique, it enables you to provide a response without actually responding. Just make some sort of noise in the back of your throat and you’ll be home free.

Disengage. This can take many forms – walking away, directing your attention toward another person, changing the subject, deflecting with humor or a non sequitur. Depending on the situation, this can work better than ignoring in that it might not feel as rude or belligerent.

And there you have it – four essential social skills to avoid unpleasantness or delay it for a more appropriate time. One last thing: there is a top-secret fifth social skill. I can tell you is that it involves the liberal consumption of alcoholic beverages, but that’s all I’m going to say.