One habit my profession of qualitative research has drilled into me is that of seeing things from another person’s perspective. I need to suspend my own assumptions to understand someone else’s POV. Guess what: this isn’t just a research thing. It’s an essential life skill, especially during the holidays.
When I was a kid, we celebrated holidays with a family with whom we were close. One feature of these gatherings was the father of this family and his oldest son getting into a bitter argument about something. They did this without fail. One noticeable thing about these disagreements was the betrayal each felt at the other not sharing his opinion. These two were very close. In fact, they still are. And they still fight like cats and dogs.
We tend to argue most loudly and angrily with the people to whom we are closest. That’s important to keep in mind as the holidays approach. We’re going to see a lot of family and close friends over the next few weeks. Wouldn’t it be nice to keep it friendly?
Why arguments with friends and family get so heated is an interesting question. It ties to our tribal nature as a species. We have evolved to have a strong group identity. As the social psychologist Jonathan Haidt points out in his book The Righteous Mind, we highly value loyalty. This is why we see such things as patriotism, identification with an ideology or ethnicity, and self-sacrifice for the group as virtues.
Submission to authority is another evolved trait in our species. Those who are in a position of authority over a family or group instinctively expect members of the group to defer to their beliefs and opinions.
So, the innate need for family and friends to agree with us is rooted in evolutionary psychology. We want the people closest to us to agree with us. When they don’t, it can feel like a breach of trust. Remember this next week when a family member disagrees with your opinion on immigration or health insurance.
Perhaps there’s an opportunity for an early new year’s resolution here. I plan to find a kinder, gentler, more accepting way to interact with others during this holiday season. Whenever I encounter someone with whom I differ, I’m going to try to see things as they do. Remember: the same instincts that cause family blow-ups are the ones we carry into our politics, workplaces, and communities. We treat disagreement as betrayal because, deep down, we expect people in ‘our group’ to see the world our way. So, we really are all family.
Squabbling with the people we love.