If you have an emotional reaction to all you see and hear, you’re going to have a hard life. Truth is, it’s impossible to care about everything, and a bad idea to try. Learn detachment. It’s OK not to share other people’s passions or concerns. Back in 2011 people became obsessed with honey badgers, mainly because they clearly don’t care about anything. Well, you too can be like a honey badger and not give a ****.
When I conduct qualitative research, I don’t just focus on what people think about a topic, but also on their depth of feeling. How much an individual cares about something tells a lot about their decisions.
Assessing strength of commitment is important, because this isn’t a binary thing. It’s possible to calibrate how much you care. There’s a continuum of engagement ranging from “I’m interested in this issue and will pay attention to it” through “I care about this and will devote time and energy to it,” all the way to “I identify with this issue – it means everything to me.”
Identification is where things become dicey. On one hand, identifying with an issue – and seeing everything through that lens – can help you be an effective agent of change. On the other hand, it’s risky. How you define yourself is a crucial question and can powerfully influence your state of mind. When you center your identity around an issue, you become vulnerable to the ups and downs associated with it. This may have implications for your mental health.
While completely throwing yourself into something might seem necessary, sometimes detaching can actually be a better way to care – some distance might facilitate better thinking and help identify solutions.
If you find yourself struggling to detach – and we all do sometimes – here are a few tips that might help:
Avoid glorifying emotions. It’s easy to wallow in outrage – I wrote about this a few years ago. But strong feelings don’t absolve you from responsibility to seek solutions. Focus instead on facts and reason.
Identify what you can and cannot control. Realizing something is beyond your influence may make it easier to disengage.
Reflect. This might involve things like mindfulness, meditation or journaling. These can help you be aware of something without overly identifying with it.
Be careful with the words that make up your internal dialogue. For instance, instead of thinking “this needs to happen,” replace that statement with “whatever occurs, I’ll roll with it.”
Visualize. Imagine taking an issue, placing it in a box, closing the box, putting that box in a drawer, then closing the drawer.
Remember, detaching doesn’t mean withdrawing completely, it just means engaging wisely. For the sake of your own mental health, be selective regarding what you care about, and how much you care.
Thanks to my BFF Michelle Ögren Jefferys for the honey badger metaphor.
You really don’t have to care about everything.