OK – let’s get this out of the way; despite my deliberately provocative title, willpower isn’t a myth. But there’s a lot of BS out there about willpower.

It’s that time of year – when those earnest new year’s resolutions made in January now lie in shambles. And that’s when willpower raises its ugly head. If you’ve failed to keep your resolutions, it’s likely you’re berating yourself for lacking willpower. Don’t. Behavior change is hard. Much of the self-flagellation in which people engage regarding willpower comes from a series of misunderstandings about what willpower is and how it works.

Let’s start with a definition. I think of willpower as the ability to delay gratification to serve long term goals. Examples: forgoing that donut so you’ll live longer, or bearing down and preparing your taxes in January so you’ll get your refund sooner.

Willpower is a good thing – it helps you get unpleasant-but-necessary stuff done. But there are key things to know about willpower, and a couple of misperceptions about it that need to be set straight. When conducting qualitative research on such topics as weight loss and smoking cessation, I see misunderstandings about willpower come up regularly.

Here are some things you need to know:

It’s a finite resource. I can’t stress this enough: willpower will only take you so far, as it eventually runs out. Psychologists and addiction counselors refer to ‘willpower fatigue.’ It’s also called ‘ego depletion,’ and it’s a real thing, having been documented in numerous studies. This is why the failure rate for most weight loss programs is so high: they depend on an indefinite, limitless supply of willpower to achieve lasting success.

Not only is willpower finite over time, it is also finite in the moment; if you’re exercising willpower in one aspect of life, there will be less for other things. If you’re gritting your teeth to get your taxes done, you might find it doubly difficult to resist that donut. This is one reason people trying to quit smoking often gain weight – they’re expending so much mental energy resisting nicotine cravings, they’re less able to police their eating. Willpower can also be compromised by stress and fatigue – think about how hard it is to eat right when traveling on business.

Willpower is a skill.  It’s something that can be learned. Like a muscle, it can be strengthened through training and repetition, and it can atrophy from disuse. Psychologist have shown that by consistently exercising willpower in small ways, people can become more adept at resisting bigger temptations.

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And here are two major misperceptions about willpower:

Willpower is a matter of character. Successful people often attribute their achievements to willpower, self-discipline, and perseverance, and believe that those who are less successful lack these qualities. Similarly, we tend to assume that others who are successful must be highly disciplined individuals. As a qualitative researcher, I hear this sort of thinking all the time, and believe it is simplistic and wrong. If you think success comes from willpower and that willpower is a virtue, then those who have experienced failure in their lives must lack this virtue and be, by definition, weak and immoral individuals. This sort of thinking is unfairly judgmental.

Willpower is all you need.  The idea that willpower alone can drive behavior changes – particularly permanent ones – is something I hear frequently. However, without motivation and environmental change, willpower by itself is insufficient. I’ve conducted many focus groups and interviews on the topic of weight loss. I’ve noticed that not all people trying to shed weight really want to – they’re doing it because a healthcare provider or family member is pushing them to do it. So, they’re not motivated to make necessary behavioral changes.

I’ve also seen that people who successfully lost weight were able to because they changed their environment – they removed fattening foods from their homes and workplaces, stopped going where fattening foods would be present, and were able to reduce the cravings that cause them to overconsume fattening foods. Without these environmental changes, they wouldn’t have been able to instill the permanent behavior changes that facilitated the weight loss.

I’ll wrap up with a few tips:

Do what you can to make willpower unnecessary (or, at least, less so). Behavior changes often are tripped up by cravings and temptations. I’ve done a number of qualitative research studies that involved speaking to addiction counselors. One thing they repeatedly emphasized is that cravings can eventually subside through abstinence. While this takes time, during which willpower is essential, eventually the reduction or elimination of the craving makes willpower less necessary.

Focus on your environment. If willpower is about resisting temptation, removing sources of temptation from your environment will make willpower less necessary.

Focus on motivation. If you’re attempting to make a behavior change, have an honest conversation with yourself about what’s motivating this change. Is it in your economic interest to make this change? Is there some psychological or self-esteem benefit to be gained? Make sure you really understand, in as much detail as possible, what, if anything, is driving this change.

Rather than trying to eliminate a behavior, start by replacing it. This is why nicotine gum is helpful to those trying to quit smoking – it replaces the act of putting a cigarette in their mouths with a piece of gum. This still requires some willpower, but less than doing nothing would require.

We all know it: behavior change is challenging. But, if you want it make it a little easier, do what you can to reduce the importance of willpower.

At a few social functions over the holidays, as well as in the media, I noticed the term ‘virtue signaling’ being used in a negative way. The notion that virtue signaling is somehow a bad thing seems to be increasingly common.

Let’s take a minute to define the term: virtue signaling is how you demonstrate you are a good person through opinions you express or personal behaviors you model. When somebody accuses you of it, the implication is that you’re ‘putting on a show’ or are ‘full of BS.’ Some examples of virtue signaling might include talking about your fat-free diet, wearing an “I support public radio” t-shirt, or bragging about your 80-hour work week.

People tend to find virtue signaling annoying, which creates friction in conversations and relationships. While it’s easy to disregard virtue signaling since it can be so off-putting, I recommend paying close attention to it for these reasons:

Everybody does it. If you think you don’t, think again. Homo Sapiens is the moral animal. Our sense of right and wrong is always front and center in our thoughts— it’s what sets us apart from other species. So, signaling morality to our fellow humans is as natural as breathing. We all do it, and we do it all the time. This presents a paradox: we do it ourselves, but we find it obnoxious in others. If you had run into me on election day back in November, you would have seen me wearing an ‘I voted’ sticker and an ‘I gave blood today’ sticker, and feeling very smug. You probably would have crossed the street to avoid talking to me.

It can tell you a lot about people and their values. Virtue signaling is a form of ‘morality by proxy.’ A proxy is something that represents the value of something else, so virtue signaling is a behavior that represents a moral value. Because we’re so attuned to morality as a species, we use personal attributes as proxies for moral character in others: physical beauty and wealth to name two. And, when we want others to notice our virtues, we signal them. You might do this by displaying your muscles at the gym or by making a show of your electric car.

So, when people virtue signal, they are telling you something about themselves that they believe is important – giving you a window into their self-image. This presents a great opportunity to learn more about them.

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I’ve certainly noticed when conducting qualitative research that participants sometimes try to put each other on the defensive or quash disagreement either by virtue signaling or by questioning the sincerity of others who are doing it. Here’s an example:

While moderating focus groups on educational software, talking to parents who homeschool, one mother of a 7-year-old said: “Obviously, I would never have my daughter use that. Everything she learns she gets from me.” Several other participants vigorously agreed. A dad who had a 14-year-old pushed back: “my daughter is doing stuff right now – particularly in math – that’s over my head. The software I bought is teaching her material I can’t.” The mom replied, “I just could never do that,” the dad accused her of “self-righteous BS,” and it went downhill from there.

A little later, after things had calmed down, I asked the anti-software mom, “what do you think that says about you as a parent?” She replied, “that I’m not willing to take shortcuts or make anything less than a full effort.” Another like-minded parent chimed in, “I think it says I’m an old-school homeschooler.” And, when I asked what ‘old-school’ meant to him, he said it meant he lives by “traditional values.” This led to a good conversation about ‘traditional values’ – what they are and what they have to do with homeschooling.

Pay attention to virtue signaling, but be careful about taking it at face value. While it can tell you a lot about how people see themselves, remember that they might be blowing smoke. The fact that you gave $50 to public radio last year – and are displaying the tote bag to prove it –  doesn’t by itself make you generous. The fact that you drive a Prius doesn’t make you a committed environmentalist.

Virtue signaling is neither a good thing nor a bad thing, it’s just a human thing. We can no more stop doing it than we can stop breathing. However, we can train ourselves to become more aware of it in ourselves and others. Try paying attention to the virtues you signal and how you go about that. Think about what kind of impression are you creating and, how it affects relationships and interactions with your fellow humans. As for other people’s virtue signaling, treat it as an opportunity to ask questions and get to know them better.

A while ago, I was conducting focus groups on new frozen food products. Of 12 concepts, participants consistently called two interesting, but said they probably wouldn’t try them, as their freezers were overfull.

My instinct was to be skeptical of the ‘no-room-in-the-freezer’ justification. Between groups I thought about why, and recalled that the ‘no room’ rationale was often code for ‘this product offers no benefit’ – something I learned early in my career from friend and researcher-extraordinaire, Phil Glowatz.

Meanwhile, the clients in attendance were encouraged by the feedback on those ideas, and planned to put resources toward further development. I continued to probe reactions to these concepts, pushing participants to explain the basis for their professed interest.

Ultimately, we learned this: for the younger, apartment-dwelling participants, my intuition was wrong. They were genuinely interested, but were strapped for space in their tiny apartment freezers. However, I was right about the older suburbanites, who couldn’t articulate a coherent case for their interest. Eventually, some admitted that they were just trying to be nice. As a result, the client turned development efforts toward a smaller package and a formulation that didn’t need to be frozen.

The point of all this: intuition is valuable, but you must be careful about trusting it. Knowing when and how much to rely on intuition is an important skill, no matter what you do.

There are two kinds of intuition:

1. Rapid, subconscious analysis of information informed by prior experience.

2. Impulsive judgements shaped by your desires and biases. So sometimes intuition is your brain working incredibly fast, and sometimes it’s your brain just being lazy.

As a result, sometimes intuition can get you to a well-founded POV with blinding speed, and sometimes it can lead you astray.

Here are two principles I follow regarding intuition:

Be suspicious of your first, instinctive reactions. Pause, examine those reactions, and figure out where they came from – are they coming from bias or from experience? In other words, before questioning the information you’ve just encountered, first interrogate your own response. This is particularly helpful when somebody expresses a POV with which you intuitively disagree. By examining your initial reaction, you might be able to avoid a pointless, emotional argument and instead have a friendly, respectful conversation.

Realize that intuition is where you start, not where you finish. Intuition gives you an initial impression to follow up upon, not a final answer. Treat it as a hypothesis to be disproven.

Like any powerful tool, intuition must be used with care. It’s like a table saw – when treated with care, it can save time and deliver a high-quality product. But, if you’re not careful, it can cut your thumb off. So, respect your intuition, but don’t trust it. At least, not too much.

With the holidays approaching, we have a unique opportunity to support the businesses we care about.

The small, local businesses that add so much to our communities are very much in need of our attention. The pandemic has taught us it’s essential to support businesses that are important to us, because they may be more vulnerable than we think. Increasing costs, higher interest rates, challenges finding and retaining employees, lingering supply chain issues, Covid safety protocols  – you name it – are creating a uniquely challenging environment for small, businesses. Their owners are feeling particularly pessimistic.

To that end, as a qualitative researcher, lately I’ve been encouraging my clients to get back to in-person qualitative. This is partly because I love doing research face-to-face, partly because I believe in-person research gets you a level of engagement, insight and nuance that online simply can’t. And partly because I believe in supporting businesses that I value. When it comes to face-to-face qualitative research, this means focus group facilities, local recruiters, field managers and other businesses that provide for this type of research. Many of these businesses have gone under over the past 2 ½ years.

When you support a local business, most or all of what you spend goes directly into the local economy and supports the creation and maintenance of jobs right in that community. Also, there’s a waterfall effect. Each of those businesses will support other local businesses. A local focus group facility, in addition to creating multiple jobs and contributing to local property taxes, supports restaurants and caterers, cleaning services and many tradespeople.

In the town where I live, Westfield NJ, we’ve lost a number of well-regarded local businesses since 2020. Our favorite store for herbs, seasonings and spices closed. And Brummer’s, a 116-year-old family-owned chocolate shop shut down as well – so no more of those to-die-for chocolate covered apricots. These businesses are gone for good. So, this holiday season, our family is making a point of buying local. By supporting local bookstores, florists, toy stores, clothing stores, restaurants, movie theaters and so on, I can think of no better way to “be the change you want to see in the world.”

About 18 months ago, during research on health-related topics, the conversation turned to attitudes towards vaccinations. Here’s a word-for-word quote from one participant: “The covid jab just makes me uncomfortable. I feel like I need more data.” After hearing this, one of the observers texted me: “Have her explain why she refuses to get vaccinated!” I didn’t ask that question. Instead, I asked the participant to tell me more.

After the group, the observer asked why I hadn’t posed his question. I pointed out that the participant hadn’t actually said that she refused to be vaccinated, only that she wasn’t comfortable and needed more information. As it turned out, she was pretty set against being vaccinated but – as a qualitative researcher – it is important that I focus on exactly what research participants have said, and not make assumptions about underlying meaning. Instead, my job is – through careful probing – to get participants themselves to reveal those hidden meanings.

This is a lesson I learned before I got into qualitive research. Back when I worked in brand management, I received training on giving constructive feedback to the people who reported to me. A key principle the instructor shared was that feedback must be solidly based on what employees have actually done. She advised against making assumptions about what was going on in that person’s head, but rather only to talk about observable, empirically verifiable actions. In other words, rather than accusing someone of being lazy and poorly organized, simply point out that they got to work 45 minutes late, and still haven’t delivered work due two days ago. I’ve taken that lesson to heart ever since.

This principle can apply to all aspects of life. Make a point of taking what people say at face value. If someone says ‘nice tattoo’ in a tone that seems insincere, don’t take the bait. Just say thanks. If somebody expresses a view with which you disagree or that you don’t understand, be sure that your response focuses on what has actually been said, without reading anything into it.  And make your response a question that gives the other person an opportunity to elaborate.

Making assumptions about people’s motivations is not conducive to civil discourse. Rather than reacting to what you think are a person’s beliefs and values, question them as specifically and precisely as you can – to better understand what they have actually said to you.  Because that’s what really matters.

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The following are some questions you can ask to help people clarify what they mean:

Can you tell me the story of how you came to this point of view?

I’m not sure I’m following – can you explain?

How do you think your view contrasts with the views of others?

Have any past experiences shaped your opinion on this?

Could you elaborate on that a bit?

I think I know what you mean, but could you please spell it out for me?

What do you think are the implications of your POV?

Have you always felt this way, or has your opinion changed over time?

When you say – keyword in what has just been said like ‘jackbooted thugs’ – what do you really mean by that?

So, there you have it – some questions that will enable people to explain their point of view without you making any assumptions