Around this time of year, during the ‘get-acquainted’ portion of focus groups, research respondents seem to want to talk about the holidays. I wish I could say that they speak in glowing, excited terms, but I’d be lying. Mainly, they talk about angst.
This is unsurprising—it’s a stressful time of year. Professional workloads increase in order to get things done before year-end, preparing for the holidays and family travel can present significant logistical challenges, this is a time of year when money can be particularly tight, and the colder, shorter days in northerly climes can get people down.
But I think there’s another reason: I think we create unreasonable expectations for ourselves. People feel intense pressure to be perfect around the holidays, and often feel judged (and found wanting) by others.
Here are some actual, verbatim quotes from holiday-time research participants I’ve recorded in recent years:
“This is the time of year I feel I have to be all things to all people.”
“I really feel like I have to provide my family with a perfect Christmas. Whatever it takes to do that, I’m going to do.”
“My family expects that I’ll do everything exactly the way my mother did—may she rest in peace. If they think I’ve cut any corners, I’m going to hear about it.”
“The worst thing is that the stress itself breeds more stress. I worry that my looking all stressed out will upset my kids.”
I’ll bet you can see yourself in some of those remarks. That being the case, around this time of year, I’ve gotten in the habit of invoking what I call The Dirty Harry Principle, articulated here by the great man himself:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_VrFV5r8cs0
What Detective Callahan is trying to say is that we should ease up on ourselves (to be honest, that’s actually not at all what he’s saying here—you’ll have to watch the movie if you want to know what he’s really talking about. But never mind that.)
There are two principles to which we hold dear that seem to underlie this holiday anxiety:
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Perfectionism—I’ve noticed that even the most loosey-goosey people can turn into raging obsessives this time of year. Somebody who’s happy to make cookies from store brand frozen dough at any other time will feel compelled to make them from scratch, using organic, artisanal, non-GMO ingredients come December.
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Self-reliance—there’s a lot to be said for a DIY mentality. There are situations in which the best person to do something really is you. However, sometimes we cross the line from principle to fetish. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that you must do everything yourself (and suffer in the process), and that not doing so is evidence of some sort of character flaw.