The Gift of Silence.

Even when people aren’t talking, they can still tell you something.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t like gaps in conversation. If nobody’s talking, I get anxious and try to fill the silence. I’m hardly alone in this. In fact, this type of discomfort is so common that communication researchers have a term for it: interactional silence anxiety. Conversation has a rhythm to it, and when that rhythm is broken, it’s jarring.

This may be an evolved trait. Evolutionary psychologists speculate that gaps in conversation unconsciously suggest a breakdown in social cohesion. That’s why they make us uneasy.

Discomfiting or not, silence is useful in conversation. Even the bible says so. As a qualitative researcher I have trained myself to make good use of gaps when they occur, despite them making me so uncomfortable. I’ve learned that sometimes the best way to probe what somebody has said is not to probe at all.

By sitting with the stillness and waiting for the other person to fill it, you create an opportunity for interesting things to happen. You might get more detail. You might get an interesting anecdote or metaphor. You might even get a transition to a related topic, or maybe a topic that is seemingly unrelated but turns out to be unexpectedly relevant.

One thing I’ve learned about silence is that we need to be careful about how we interpret it. The fact that somebody’s not talking could mean a wide variety of things, including:

They need some time to process what has been said.

They’re formulating a response.

They’re struggling to find the right language to express their thoughts.

It’s also important to know when to be quiet. As a researcher, I have two guidelines:

If I’m not getting the information I need despite multiple tries.

If somebody’s demeanor clearly indicates a need for time and space to think and process.

Both of those situations suggest it’s time to shut up.

Here’s another valuable thing you can do – call out the silence. Make it a point of discussion: “wow, everything went quiet all of a sudden. I wonder why?”  This creates an opportunity to discuss what the silence might signify, such as disagreement, uncertainty or a loss of interest. Don’t try to interpret silence. Just wait and see where the conversation goes.

Gaps in conversation don’t have to be uncomfortable. If you think of it, the discomfort you feel is entirely created by you. So, learn to push past your own feeling of awkwardness and embrace the gift of silence. It’s a skill worth developing.